Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Happy 6th Birthday, Christian!

Happy Birthday to our sweet son, Christian Covenant Kruse. It's been 6 years since I've kissed your soft cheeks, held your tiny hands in mine and hugged your amazing little body. 6 years have passed but you have never been forgotten. Today I took out my memory box of you and looked over each item. Oh, how I miss you and what could have been. I decided to take pictures of the items that hold such dear memories so I could share them online. Today I also went to get my blood drawn again as I'm almost in my 13th week of pregnancy that is continuing to appear to be in the process of miscarrying another dear child of ours that never got to take a breath on this side of Heaven. Waiting for this miscarriage to complete reminds me of 6 years ago when we knew you had passed but I was given some time to just hold you in my womb for a while longer as I waited until I actually went into labor. Until the actual day that you were delivered with no breath or life, I still had that small hope and prayer that God would do a miracle, that the doctors were wrong and you really did have a heartbeat that they couldn't hear or that God would just give you life again. But it was not in His will. I guess that is how it is now. Maybe you have already met this little sibling of yours. We named her Hope Eternal Kruse as I kind of think she would have been a girl. Even though I still have that hope and prayer that the doctor will call and say my numbers increased or they now see a baby with a heartbeat at my next ultrasound, I do know and hope in the fact that this little life that was conceived is or will be with Christ eternally. I wonder if she is with you and if you have both met your older sibling that I had miscarried before you. I never had named that baby since the doctors said they saw no baby in the sac. But we have now decided to name him too. We truly believe life starts at conception, even if that baby never grew big enough to see. I have a feeling he was a boy so we have named him Benjamin Faithful Kruse after his Daddy and the faithfulness God showed us during that time, especially sparing my life so that I could continue to raise all your other siblings that were still living here on earth. Maybe all 3 of you are together worshipping our great God and Savior now. I can't wait to meet you all again on that glorious day when we will all be reunited. You were the only one I actually got to see and hold and because of that the pain and reality of your loss is so much greater. But the Holy Spirit has and continues to be my great comfort and strength. I would never wish for anything different. I love being your mother and am so thankful God the Father chose me to create your life in. How blessed I was to hold each of you for a time in my womb. I love you, Christian! See you soon in God's eternal Kingdom. Until then, enjoy being in the presence of our dear triune God. I can't even imagine the glory you are experiencing by being with Christ and I would never want to take that away from you now. Today some of us got to visit your grave where your body is resting in peace and waiting to be resurrected. How blessed I am to know that even though you are absent from your body, you are present with the Lord, 2 Corinthians 5:8. I love you, Son!


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