Oh, Christian, it didn't seem right to lay you in the coffin, and bury you under the dirt, to see the grave become your cradle. I never thought I would be able to live through such a thing. How could I continue to carry a dead baby in my womb for another week or so before I went into labor? All that time I was hoping and praying that you were just sleeping and would really begin to kick again. We even asked some friends and family to come over and to pray with us that God would bring you back to life. I knew He could if it was His will. I hoped! But then labor came and it was time to go to the hospital. It didn't seem right to go through hours of labor, deliver you, and then never see you take your first breath or open your eyes, or nurse at my breast. I would have only a few hours to hold, kiss, cuddle, sing children's praise songs to, and say I love you to over and over again before I realized that I had to say, "See you soon." It was time to lay you in the basket the coroner had brought because your skin was starting to fall off and you just couldn't be handled anymore. It was time to let you rest in peace. Next the doctor came in and told us that he thought you died because my RH negative blood with antibodies attacked yours and that we should not have any more children cause they would all die for the same reason. What? Not only did my baby boy die, but I killed him? My own body attacked the little baby I was supposed to be protecting and nourishing? And now the death of my dream for more children? How can I bear it all? It was then time to leave the hospital without our baby boy. Walking that hall seemed so long as I heard other newborns crying and being loved by their mommies in the next room and as I had to see all the newborn pictures of babies along the hallway wall. Why didn't they think of us? There were no pictures of still born babies on the wall. That drive home seemed like forever. Hugh and I were silent. I just kept hoping, praying and wishing that the hospital would call back and say that you woke up or they had another baby just born whose mother was gone and that I could go and pick him up and nurse him and raise him. Why wasn't there any organization to match motherless babies to childless moms? Then to go home! To see all your brothers and sisters again and have no baby brother to bring home to them. To see your 4 year old brother Jonathan's tears night after night as he longed for his little brother. Night after night when I had drenched my pillow with tears, he would knock on my door and ask to sleep with me cause he was crying and missing his brother. We would comfort each other. Boy, how you are loved! Then there was my milk coming in on the day of your funeral. I should be nursing you not burying you. How could I get through it? There you were, lying there. You had changed a lot. The fluid that was in your head had sunk into your face and you looked so different. But you were still my baby boy and I just wanted to pick you up and take you out of that place. At the least, I wanted to touch your hands and kiss your cheeks until they closed the coffin but they told me I couldn't even touch you. There was some rare thing with your skin and they said if we touched you we could all get sick. What was that? I still don't know. Why did your heart stop? I still don't know. Why was your head filled with fluid? I still don't know. I have read so many many nights, hours and hours until I couldn't keep my eyes awake any longer, trying to find the reason. Was it the cord we found tied in a knot, was it my RH factor? I don't know. I do know the One Who is sovereign! I do know the doctor was wrong, God performed a miracle and gave us another baby. Whether or not our babies live to be 8 months in our womb or 80 years outside our womb, they are a blessing, another Christian covenantal member of our household and the eternal family of God. And I would never want to stop or prevent such a blessing as life! Thank you, Father, for Christian Covenant Kruse.
How can one get through such a loss? By our all sufficient God. Through that whole time He filled me, like I had never experienced before, with His Spirit, His presence, His grace, His joy, His word, His comfort, His glory, and His love. He gave me an eternal hope I never had longed so deeply for before. He grew us all closer to Him and to each other as a family. Oh, there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God. For those who have lost their baby, it doesn't seem right. I know how you feel. My heart, prayers, and tears go out to you. But God will never leave you not forsake you! He is your Rock! Cling to Him! Worship Him! Keep your eyes on Him! That is how I flourished through such a time. It still hurts. I'm sure it always will in this life but there will be joy in the morning when we are all with Christ in His eternal Kingdom where there will be no more tears and no more pain.
Again, I say, I'll see you soon, Christian. We're 5 years closer to that glorious day! Happy Birthday!