I just got back from visiting my son's grave. He is planted in a beautiful spot under a huge tree. It reminds me of how he will blossom under the eternal Tree of Life! The birds were singing and there was a gentle breeze. I laid by his grave and prayed, read, cried and rejoiced for the future of eternity in God's Kingdom. You see, Today is the 4 month birthday of Christian Covenant Kruse. I'm sure he would just be smiling away and giggling by now if he were here with us in our arms. I have had the joy and blessing of being able to hold a couple other dear baby boys recently that were born a month or so after Christian. They were smiling and so alive, which I just praise God for. After Christian was born and buried, whenever I saw a newborn baby, I longed to go over and ask if I could hold them but didn't because I didn't know those people and thought I might scare them or start crying and make them really uncomfortable. So what a joy to hold those other babies of dear families I knew in my empty arms. It felt so right and I can't wait to have this empty arm feeling gone in eternity. Until then, I know God will continue to bless me with other sweet babies to hold for a time. I think the other reason it is so hard is because the doctors have told me I should not have any more children because my RH- blood has been sensitized and the antibodies in my blood would attack the blood cells of any future babies that are RH+ and they would die even earlier than Christian. So it does feel like another death on top of Christian's. The death of a growing family, of any more babies in my womb, to birth, nurse, nuture, and train up. Oh, but God is in control and has a plan beyond what we can see. He is the perfect Shepherd and we can trust in Him with all our hearts. I hope to have sweet grandbabies to love and hold one day. I have been told that with nutrition and herbs there may be a chance to cleanse my blood of the antibodies which I am hoping to learn more of and I know that God is able to heal and restore. May His will be done!!! No matter what the future holds it will never replace my baby Christian. I love him more each day and will miss him until the day I die. I am so very thankful that God so graciously created him in my womb and gave me 37 wks to love him and for the precious hours I had in birthing him, holding him, and seeing his amazing perfect little form. I love that time of kissing his cheek, caressing his hands, fingers, toes. I was able to hug and rock him as I listened to some children's songs on my ipod. It's funny how God had the songs picked out special for that time. As I listen to the album now, I am amazed at the encouraging words, "Dem bones are going to rise again" or " The Gospel train is coming the wheels go round and round, everyone is happy this train is heaven bound. Get on board little children there is room for many a more...Hear that train a coming, coming down that track, I'll be getting on it, I won't be looking back" or "I looked over Jordan and what did I see, a band of angels coming after me, coming for to carry me home...If you get to heaven before I do, just tell all my friends that I'm a coming too, coming for to carry me home, Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home" or "Jesus loves the little children."As I held him and heard those words I knew I couldn't or wouldn't want to stop him from being with Jesus and I thanked God for letting me say goodbye until that sweet eternal day I can say hello forever. Happy Birthday, Christian! I love and miss you!!! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for loving him and keeping your covenant with us, our children, and our children's children. I love You and praise You , for You are forever GOOD!!!
In Christ Alone,
Jodi (Mommy to sweet baby Christian)