Thursday, May 28, 2009

I just got back from visiting my son's grave. He is planted in a beautiful spot under a huge tree. It reminds me of how he will blossom under the eternal Tree of Life! The birds were singing and there was a gentle breeze. I laid by his grave and prayed, read, cried and rejoiced for the future of eternity in God's Kingdom. You see, Today is the 4 month birthday of Christian Covenant Kruse. I'm sure he would just be smiling away and giggling by now if he were here with us in our arms. I have had the joy and blessing of being able to hold a couple other dear baby boys recently that were born a month or so after Christian. They were smiling and so alive, which I just praise God for. After Christian was born and buried, whenever I saw a newborn baby, I longed to go over and ask if I could hold them but didn't because I didn't know those people and thought I might scare them or start crying and make them really uncomfortable. So what a joy to hold those other babies of dear families I knew in my empty arms. It felt so right and I can't wait to have this empty arm feeling gone in eternity. Until then, I know God will continue to bless me with other sweet babies to hold for a time. I think the other reason it is so hard is because the doctors have told me I should not have any more children because my RH- blood has been sensitized and the antibodies in my blood would attack the blood cells of any future babies that are RH+ and they would die even earlier than Christian. So it does feel like another death on top of Christian's. The death of a growing family, of any more babies in my womb, to birth, nurse, nuture, and train up. Oh, but God is in control and has a plan beyond what we can see. He is the perfect Shepherd and we can trust in Him with all our hearts. I hope to have sweet grandbabies to love and hold one day. I have been told that with nutrition and herbs there may be a chance to cleanse my blood of the antibodies which I am hoping to learn more of and I know that God is able to heal and restore. May His will be done!!! No matter what the future holds it will never replace my baby Christian. I love him more each day and will miss him until the day I die. I am so very thankful that God so graciously created him in my womb and gave me 37 wks to love him and for the precious hours I had in birthing him, holding him, and seeing his amazing perfect little form. I love that time of kissing his cheek, caressing his hands, fingers, toes. I was able to hug and rock him as I listened to some children's songs on my ipod. It's funny how God had the songs picked out special for that time. As I listen to the album now, I am amazed at the encouraging words, "Dem bones are going to rise again" or " The Gospel train is coming the wheels go round and round, everyone is happy this train is heaven bound. Get on board little children there is room for many a more...Hear that train a coming, coming down that track, I'll be getting on it, I won't be looking back" or "I looked over Jordan and what did I see, a band of angels coming after me, coming for to carry me home...If you get to heaven before I do, just tell all my friends that I'm a coming too, coming for to carry me home, Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home" or "Jesus loves the little children."As I held him and heard those words I knew I couldn't or wouldn't want to stop him from being with Jesus and I thanked God for letting me say goodbye until that sweet eternal day I can say hello forever. Happy Birthday, Christian! I love and miss you!!! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for loving him and keeping your covenant with us, our children, and our children's children. I love You and praise You , for You are forever GOOD!!!

In Christ Alone,

Jodi (Mommy to sweet baby Christian)


Grandma of Many said...

I can't stop the tears from flowing. Happy Birthday Christian from Grandma Dot. I love you and miss you. Jodi may God continue to comfort you even on the harder days as it sounds like He did. We can be so glad that he fills our needs when most needed through the holding of the babies, the songs, the and the quiet times. He is a God of Comfort. Oh, as your mother, how I wish I could make the pain go away. You are a remarkable daughter and He sure blessed your Dad and I when you came into our family. It's okay to cry. Jesus Wept! In the book, What to Do on the Worst Day of Your Life, he talks about how nobody knew adversity like King David. He teaches you 10 steps to go through: Weep, Don't Get Bitter, Encourage Yourself in God, Get a Word From God, Reorient Your Vision, Regain Your Passion, Attack!, Recover All, Celebrate Recovery, and Give to Others. I will continue to pray for you Jodi. I love you!

Christian Covenant Kruse said...

Thank you, Mom. I can't imagine having to get through this year without you and Dad. God has used you in so many ways that I cannot even count. You amaze me with your faith in God, your love for your family and others, and your unending sacrificial service. Thank you for your encouraging words. I am going to read that book, it sounds perfect for me. May God bless you more and more with each day that passes. You are the best mother ever!!! Your beloved daughter, Jodi