Mommy
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Happy 6th Birthday, Christian!
Happy Birthday to our sweet son, Christian Covenant Kruse. It's been 6 years since I've kissed your soft cheeks, held your tiny hands in mine and hugged your amazing little body. 6 years have passed but you have never been forgotten. Today I took out my memory box of you and looked over each item. Oh, how I miss you and what could have been. I decided to take pictures of the items that hold such dear memories so I could share them online. Today I also went to get my blood drawn again as I'm almost in my 13th week of pregnancy that is continuing to appear to be in the process of miscarrying another dear child of ours that never got to take a breath on this side of Heaven. Waiting for this miscarriage to complete reminds me of 6 years ago when we knew you had passed but I was given some time to just hold you in my womb for a while longer as I waited until I actually went into labor. Until the actual day that you were delivered with no breath or life, I still had that small hope and prayer that God would do a miracle, that the doctors were wrong and you really did have a heartbeat that they couldn't hear or that God would just give you life again. But it was not in His will. I guess that is how it is now. Maybe you have already met this little sibling of yours. We named her Hope Eternal Kruse as I kind of think she would have been a girl. Even though I still have that hope and prayer that the doctor will call and say my numbers increased or they now see a baby with a heartbeat at my next ultrasound, I do know and hope in the fact that this little life that was conceived is or will be with Christ eternally. I wonder if she is with you and if you have both met your older sibling that I had miscarried before you. I never had named that baby since the doctors said they saw no baby in the sac. But we have now decided to name him too. We truly believe life starts at conception, even if that baby never grew big enough to see. I have a feeling he was a boy so we have named him Benjamin Faithful Kruse after his Daddy and the faithfulness God showed us during that time, especially sparing my life so that I could continue to raise all your other siblings that were still living here on earth. Maybe all 3 of you are together worshipping our great God and Savior now. I can't wait to meet you all again on that glorious day when we will all be reunited. You were the only one I actually got to see and hold and because of that the pain and reality of your loss is so much greater. But the Holy Spirit has and continues to be my great comfort and strength. I would never wish for anything different. I love being your mother and am so thankful God the Father chose me to create your life in. How blessed I was to hold each of you for a time in my womb. I love you, Christian! See you soon in God's eternal Kingdom. Until then, enjoy being in the presence of our dear triune God. I can't even imagine the glory you are experiencing by being with Christ and I would never want to take that away from you now. Today some of us got to visit your grave where your body is resting in peace and waiting to be resurrected. How blessed I am to know that even though you are absent from your body, you are present with the Lord, 2 Corinthians 5:8. I love you, Son!
Mommy
Mommy
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
It's Been 5 Years
It's been 5 years since that day I held you in my arms for the first and for the last time in this life, yet it seems likes yesterday. Strange how time can go by so fast on one hand but on the other it seems to move so slowly. My heart yearns to see you and hold you again. I miss you, Christian! I love you more today than ever. You have a new baby sister named Miracle Isabella Kruse. She will be 6 months old on February 11th. Because of you, we realized what a miracle from God life is, from it's first creation at conception, to it's first breath on earth, and especially it's second life eternal, created through the sacrifice of God's beloved Son, Jesus. We are so thankful that it is Christ who has made you and saved you as a Christian and we are thankful for His faithful covenant with us, for His gifts of faith and grace and salvation that He gave to not only us but to our children! You are also an uncle now to Claire Elizabeth Poythress. She was born in January too, just 12 days before your birthday. You have a new cousin as well. Her name is Juliet Elise Anderson, born 14 days before your birthday. God has blessed us with more babies to love and to raise for His glory as long as their heart continues to beat, but we know they are all His children, and we are really all brothers and sisters in Christ with such a great family reunion to look forward to. What a glorious day that will be. The Lord gives and The Lord takes away, Blessed be the Name of The Lord! I will never forget you!
Oh, Christian, it didn't seem right to lay you in the coffin, and bury you under the dirt, to see the grave become your cradle. I never thought I would be able to live through such a thing. How could I continue to carry a dead baby in my womb for another week or so before I went into labor? All that time I was hoping and praying that you were just sleeping and would really begin to kick again. We even asked some friends and family to come over and to pray with us that God would bring you back to life. I knew He could if it was His will. I hoped! But then labor came and it was time to go to the hospital. It didn't seem right to go through hours of labor, deliver you, and then never see you take your first breath or open your eyes, or nurse at my breast. I would have only a few hours to hold, kiss, cuddle, sing children's praise songs to, and say I love you to over and over again before I realized that I had to say, "See you soon." It was time to lay you in the basket the coroner had brought because your skin was starting to fall off and you just couldn't be handled anymore. It was time to let you rest in peace. Next the doctor came in and told us that he thought you died because my RH negative blood with antibodies attacked yours and that we should not have any more children cause they would all die for the same reason. What? Not only did my baby boy die, but I killed him? My own body attacked the little baby I was supposed to be protecting and nourishing? And now the death of my dream for more children? How can I bear it all? It was then time to leave the hospital without our baby boy. Walking that hall seemed so long as I heard other newborns crying and being loved by their mommies in the next room and as I had to see all the newborn pictures of babies along the hallway wall. Why didn't they think of us? There were no pictures of still born babies on the wall. That drive home seemed like forever. Hugh and I were silent. I just kept hoping, praying and wishing that the hospital would call back and say that you woke up or they had another baby just born whose mother was gone and that I could go and pick him up and nurse him and raise him. Why wasn't there any organization to match motherless babies to childless moms? Then to go home! To see all your brothers and sisters again and have no baby brother to bring home to them. To see your 4 year old brother Jonathan's tears night after night as he longed for his little brother. Night after night when I had drenched my pillow with tears, he would knock on my door and ask to sleep with me cause he was crying and missing his brother. We would comfort each other. Boy, how you are loved! Then there was my milk coming in on the day of your funeral. I should be nursing you not burying you. How could I get through it? There you were, lying there. You had changed a lot. The fluid that was in your head had sunk into your face and you looked so different. But you were still my baby boy and I just wanted to pick you up and take you out of that place. At the least, I wanted to touch your hands and kiss your cheeks until they closed the coffin but they told me I couldn't even touch you. There was some rare thing with your skin and they said if we touched you we could all get sick. What was that? I still don't know. Why did your heart stop? I still don't know. Why was your head filled with fluid? I still don't know. I have read so many many nights, hours and hours until I couldn't keep my eyes awake any longer, trying to find the reason. Was it the cord we found tied in a knot, was it my RH factor? I don't know. I do know the One Who is sovereign! I do know the doctor was wrong, God performed a miracle and gave us another baby. Whether or not our babies live to be 8 months in our womb or 80 years outside our womb, they are a blessing, another Christian covenantal member of our household and the eternal family of God. And I would never want to stop or prevent such a blessing as life! Thank you, Father, for Christian Covenant Kruse.
How can one get through such a loss? By our all sufficient God. Through that whole time He filled me, like I had never experienced before, with His Spirit, His presence, His grace, His joy, His word, His comfort, His glory, and His love. He gave me an eternal hope I never had longed so deeply for before. He grew us all closer to Him and to each other as a family. Oh, there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God. For those who have lost their baby, it doesn't seem right. I know how you feel. My heart, prayers, and tears go out to you. But God will never leave you not forsake you! He is your Rock! Cling to Him! Worship Him! Keep your eyes on Him! That is how I flourished through such a time. It still hurts. I'm sure it always will in this life but there will be joy in the morning when we are all with Christ in His eternal Kingdom where there will be no more tears and no more pain.
Again, I say, I'll see you soon, Christian. We're 5 years closer to that glorious day! Happy Birthday!
Love,
Mom
Oh, Christian, it didn't seem right to lay you in the coffin, and bury you under the dirt, to see the grave become your cradle. I never thought I would be able to live through such a thing. How could I continue to carry a dead baby in my womb for another week or so before I went into labor? All that time I was hoping and praying that you were just sleeping and would really begin to kick again. We even asked some friends and family to come over and to pray with us that God would bring you back to life. I knew He could if it was His will. I hoped! But then labor came and it was time to go to the hospital. It didn't seem right to go through hours of labor, deliver you, and then never see you take your first breath or open your eyes, or nurse at my breast. I would have only a few hours to hold, kiss, cuddle, sing children's praise songs to, and say I love you to over and over again before I realized that I had to say, "See you soon." It was time to lay you in the basket the coroner had brought because your skin was starting to fall off and you just couldn't be handled anymore. It was time to let you rest in peace. Next the doctor came in and told us that he thought you died because my RH negative blood with antibodies attacked yours and that we should not have any more children cause they would all die for the same reason. What? Not only did my baby boy die, but I killed him? My own body attacked the little baby I was supposed to be protecting and nourishing? And now the death of my dream for more children? How can I bear it all? It was then time to leave the hospital without our baby boy. Walking that hall seemed so long as I heard other newborns crying and being loved by their mommies in the next room and as I had to see all the newborn pictures of babies along the hallway wall. Why didn't they think of us? There were no pictures of still born babies on the wall. That drive home seemed like forever. Hugh and I were silent. I just kept hoping, praying and wishing that the hospital would call back and say that you woke up or they had another baby just born whose mother was gone and that I could go and pick him up and nurse him and raise him. Why wasn't there any organization to match motherless babies to childless moms? Then to go home! To see all your brothers and sisters again and have no baby brother to bring home to them. To see your 4 year old brother Jonathan's tears night after night as he longed for his little brother. Night after night when I had drenched my pillow with tears, he would knock on my door and ask to sleep with me cause he was crying and missing his brother. We would comfort each other. Boy, how you are loved! Then there was my milk coming in on the day of your funeral. I should be nursing you not burying you. How could I get through it? There you were, lying there. You had changed a lot. The fluid that was in your head had sunk into your face and you looked so different. But you were still my baby boy and I just wanted to pick you up and take you out of that place. At the least, I wanted to touch your hands and kiss your cheeks until they closed the coffin but they told me I couldn't even touch you. There was some rare thing with your skin and they said if we touched you we could all get sick. What was that? I still don't know. Why did your heart stop? I still don't know. Why was your head filled with fluid? I still don't know. I have read so many many nights, hours and hours until I couldn't keep my eyes awake any longer, trying to find the reason. Was it the cord we found tied in a knot, was it my RH factor? I don't know. I do know the One Who is sovereign! I do know the doctor was wrong, God performed a miracle and gave us another baby. Whether or not our babies live to be 8 months in our womb or 80 years outside our womb, they are a blessing, another Christian covenantal member of our household and the eternal family of God. And I would never want to stop or prevent such a blessing as life! Thank you, Father, for Christian Covenant Kruse.
How can one get through such a loss? By our all sufficient God. Through that whole time He filled me, like I had never experienced before, with His Spirit, His presence, His grace, His joy, His word, His comfort, His glory, and His love. He gave me an eternal hope I never had longed so deeply for before. He grew us all closer to Him and to each other as a family. Oh, there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God. For those who have lost their baby, it doesn't seem right. I know how you feel. My heart, prayers, and tears go out to you. But God will never leave you not forsake you! He is your Rock! Cling to Him! Worship Him! Keep your eyes on Him! That is how I flourished through such a time. It still hurts. I'm sure it always will in this life but there will be joy in the morning when we are all with Christ in His eternal Kingdom where there will be no more tears and no more pain.
Again, I say, I'll see you soon, Christian. We're 5 years closer to that glorious day! Happy Birthday!
Love,
Mom
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thank you to all our friends for celebrating with us Christian's 1st Birthday
Yesterday my family and I were totally blessed from all the love, prayers, and support that we received from our friends on Christian's first birthday. This is how yesterday went...First, I posted about Christian and the new pictures my sister got for me of him on this blog. Then I got a little rose potted in soil to plant in honor and remembrance of our baby boy from my friend, Terri, who had a precious, healthy son the same day that I birthed Christian. My children also gave me cards and a framed picture of Christian. Then, I had to go to work. A little later, I came out of a meeting and there were two beautiful bouquets of flowers waiting for me from the Wulffs and Jolings which allowed me to share with some at work the hope we have in Christ. After I got off work, my friend, April, took me to the speech tournament so I could be there for the last couple hours. But first we went to Christian's grave. His stone is in now and beautiful. it came just in time for his birthday. April surprised me with a birthday cake for him and a 1 year old candle. We sang Happy Birthday in the dark, took pictures, cried and gave thanks for what God has done through his little life. When I got to the speech tournament there was around 50 roses and little cards with money wrapped around each rose which added up to $107. I was so blessed and I am amazed at God's goodness and the love of the body of Christ. Thank you Carla, Tami, and all my dear friends who took the time to think of us, pray, hug us, write a note, or give a rose during the busy 1st day of a speech tournament. You are all godly examples of who I want to be like. Then I got home and received all kinds of email and Facebook notes full of encouragement and love. There are to many people to name but please know that each of you are treasured in my heart and I love you dearly. I know we are not the only family to have had a loved one die but you have sure made us feel that extra special love. We anticipate our great eternal future in the Kingdom of God where we will all be with those loved ones worshiping our awesome God, feasting and celebrating at His banqueting table. Every day will be a celebration. Please take comfort, all you who are hurting, in Christ and the hope that He has provided. May He give you peace that passes all understanding.
With love and in Christ alone,
Jodi and Family
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Happy 1st Birthday, Christian!
Today is my sweet baby, Christian Covenant Kruse's birthday. He was born into the Lord's gracious arms last year 3 weeks before his due date. He is one year old today and I celebrate the greatest gift God has given him, his new birth into the Lord's eternal kingdom. We never got to look into his eyes but we did get to hold, kiss, cuddle, and sing to him the praises of the Lord. We even have a video and his pictures. I will cherish those sweet memories till the day I die. My sister, Tami, got some new pictures of Christian touched up by babyangelpics.com that I have posted above. We are going to visit his grave today and I'm so happy because I just found out that his gravestone came in yesterday. I'll post pictures of that after we take some.
God has been amazing to us this year. We are now in a home of our own again which is a huge blessing not to be taken for granted. Hugh is still doing good as he continues to take his natural supplements and lean upon the Lord for what the doctors called "Bipolar." I don't believe he needs to be labeled with that but I bring it up because I know so many people have been diagnosed with the same thing and want them to know that God is bigger than that and can heal, restore, or just continually carry us through any challenge we face. He has also given me a job as a manager of a smoothie and supplements bar at a health club. This is also hard for I have to be away from my family so much more than I am used to but it's a huge blessing during these tough economic times. I am thankful the children are still able to homeschool and they are enjoying a speech tournament that starts today and ends on Saturday. Again, I will have to miss parts of it because of work but God has so faithfully taught me to be grateful in all things. We are not to complain but do all to the glory of God. We are never left alone without hope. There is no need to be anxious. "We can trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey."
I am so thankful for the sermons God has blessed us with at Christ Covenant Church. My brother who is our pastor started a series on 1 Peter on January 11, 2009 which prepared us and carried us through the trials and blessings that came throughout that whole year and will continue to bless us with each year that follows, including my parents having to be gone for a year under their own trials that God is using again for His special purpose and glory. Sunday will be the last sermon of the series but what we have learned will last us for a lifetime. God's Word is our lifeline. Read it, study it, be filled with it. There is no greater joy than to hear the Word of the Lord, to read letters from your Daddy, to meditate and rejoice over the promises He has made to us, to be filled with hope and anticipation for our eternal communion with Him where we can worship Him eternally.
Thank you, Father, for creating and using our little son, Christian, for your eternal glory. Thank You for letting him be a part of our family, and especially for the covenant You made to us and to our children by sacrificing Your own dear Son, who paid the debt for our sins. I love You. Thank You for your perfect and sovereign plan. I praise You, for You are worthy. Your grace, comfort and love are more than sufficient. You take away our sorrows, You carry our burdens, You hold us in Your arms. You are a great God and Your faithfulness endures to all generations. Happy birthday, Christian. I love and miss you. I'll see you soon :)
Friday, July 24, 2009
More Trials & Storms Just Prove How Much More Mighty and Great Our God Is!
Here are a few of my thoughts today. It has been 6 months from the day Christian stopped kicking in my womb, that his heart stopped beating, and since I found out that he indeed had died. Again, I want to state how precious the Lord was to me during that time. He immedietely caused me to accept and praise Him in that grief. Only He can make something like that happen. I then began to remember the sweet time of worship and communion in Christ during the labor, delivery and afterwards as I held Christian in my arms surrounded by my family and close friends a few days later and how he was with me through the funeral and burial.
Actually, this whole experience has been a blessing. I want to shout it from the mountaintops that God is good! His grace is more than sufficient. There is no need to worry. In fact, I believe anxiety now to be a sin. We do not need to be anxious about anything but cast our cares upon Him, pray without ceasing, and trust, praise, thank, and worship Him in everything. Death or any other hardship is nothing to be feared. That's why I love the name God gave us for our son, Christian Covenant! We have a living hope for him and us of eternal glory in the covenant God has made with us through Christ. He is and will be forever faithful to His covenant! I absolutely agree with a pastor that said we live to die so we can live again in worship to our King forever.
Eternity has been put into a whole new perspective in my life. It is almost always on my mind and I can't wait for that blessed day when God calls us home where we will all be feasting at His banqueting table and I will see my sweet boy again. How blessed we are. I praise God for that hope, joy and peace that passeth all understanding even in the midst of present grief or tears that come and go.
Since Christian's death in January, my husband lost most of his income and wasn't able to pay the bills. He didn't share it with me because he didn't want to put me under more stress after the death of our baby. He began losing sleep, stopped eating healthy and taking his nutritional supplements because of his income loss, and as a result began halucinating and was unable to function. We took him into the emergency and he was then diagnosed with bipolar. We got our 10 day eviction letter a day before my husband got really sick. I think that's what threw him into that state. So I had to make all the desisions and pack up the house while he was still not mentally healthy. We had amazing support and help from my parents, family and close friends and got everything moved out that next week. We are now living in a travel trailer on my parents property. They have been extremely giving and supportive and are letting my five older children live in their house on this same property. God, through my parents, has provided us with some natural supplements for my husband that are helping him immensely. But we are still way behind on bills, hospital bills etc. and it looks like it may be quite a while before we are back in a home.
One thing I know is God is there and cares for us. If He can take care of the lillies of the field He can take care of us. Just as he helped me through the death and burial of a baby, He will help me through any storm that comes my way. I share all this not for pity or charity but just to empasize the fact that God is our all in all and nothing can seperate us from His love. I hope to encourage you in any storm you are facing to look to Christ. He is always good and worthy to be praised. He has taught me not to cling to the things of this world but to Him. He provides all that we need and so much more.
I am amazed and thankful for how God has worked in my husband and all 8 of my other children. All of our eyes have been lifted towards Him and we have all learned so much from this. Again, to God be the glory and may His Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven. May we be used solely for that purpose and find our greatest satisfacion in Him.
My brother who is also our pastor shared an amazing sermon at Christian's funeral which we recorded. I am still planning to put it on the blog as soon as I figure out how to do that. Hopefully it will minister to you as much as it did to me.
And as I shared with a pastor recently whose grandson is facing a serious mental condition, I pray the Holy Spirit will continue to bless, strengthen, comfort, and hold you all as you take care of the people in your life. Life is a blessing no matter how long, short, physically or mentally healthy we are during this life, for in Christ we have a future. It is God that gives and takes away. It is God that gives grace, faith, and eternal salvation where we will one day be made whole. May we cling to that and believe!
In Christ Alone, Jodi
Actually, this whole experience has been a blessing. I want to shout it from the mountaintops that God is good! His grace is more than sufficient. There is no need to worry. In fact, I believe anxiety now to be a sin. We do not need to be anxious about anything but cast our cares upon Him, pray without ceasing, and trust, praise, thank, and worship Him in everything. Death or any other hardship is nothing to be feared. That's why I love the name God gave us for our son, Christian Covenant! We have a living hope for him and us of eternal glory in the covenant God has made with us through Christ. He is and will be forever faithful to His covenant! I absolutely agree with a pastor that said we live to die so we can live again in worship to our King forever.
Eternity has been put into a whole new perspective in my life. It is almost always on my mind and I can't wait for that blessed day when God calls us home where we will all be feasting at His banqueting table and I will see my sweet boy again. How blessed we are. I praise God for that hope, joy and peace that passeth all understanding even in the midst of present grief or tears that come and go.
Since Christian's death in January, my husband lost most of his income and wasn't able to pay the bills. He didn't share it with me because he didn't want to put me under more stress after the death of our baby. He began losing sleep, stopped eating healthy and taking his nutritional supplements because of his income loss, and as a result began halucinating and was unable to function. We took him into the emergency and he was then diagnosed with bipolar. We got our 10 day eviction letter a day before my husband got really sick. I think that's what threw him into that state. So I had to make all the desisions and pack up the house while he was still not mentally healthy. We had amazing support and help from my parents, family and close friends and got everything moved out that next week. We are now living in a travel trailer on my parents property. They have been extremely giving and supportive and are letting my five older children live in their house on this same property. God, through my parents, has provided us with some natural supplements for my husband that are helping him immensely. But we are still way behind on bills, hospital bills etc. and it looks like it may be quite a while before we are back in a home.
One thing I know is God is there and cares for us. If He can take care of the lillies of the field He can take care of us. Just as he helped me through the death and burial of a baby, He will help me through any storm that comes my way. I share all this not for pity or charity but just to empasize the fact that God is our all in all and nothing can seperate us from His love. I hope to encourage you in any storm you are facing to look to Christ. He is always good and worthy to be praised. He has taught me not to cling to the things of this world but to Him. He provides all that we need and so much more.
I am amazed and thankful for how God has worked in my husband and all 8 of my other children. All of our eyes have been lifted towards Him and we have all learned so much from this. Again, to God be the glory and may His Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven. May we be used solely for that purpose and find our greatest satisfacion in Him.
My brother who is also our pastor shared an amazing sermon at Christian's funeral which we recorded. I am still planning to put it on the blog as soon as I figure out how to do that. Hopefully it will minister to you as much as it did to me.
And as I shared with a pastor recently whose grandson is facing a serious mental condition, I pray the Holy Spirit will continue to bless, strengthen, comfort, and hold you all as you take care of the people in your life. Life is a blessing no matter how long, short, physically or mentally healthy we are during this life, for in Christ we have a future. It is God that gives and takes away. It is God that gives grace, faith, and eternal salvation where we will one day be made whole. May we cling to that and believe!
In Christ Alone, Jodi
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Hello
Hi everyone. Today my brother Jonathan asked me, " Where's my baby brother?" I said, "He is in the Kingdom." Then he asked, "Why do when we just borned him he went to heaven?" I said, " Because God want's to hold him right now." Just like my mom said he would of been 4 months old today. My youngest sibling is 4 years old, Jonathan. My mom said some people don't even get to hold there own precious baby. So I was blessed to hold him in my arms. My mom has been thinking about him alot these last two days, and crying alot. Please pray for her. I love you Mom and Christian. I will see you soon Christian. Love you.
love, your big sister,
~Mercy
love, your big sister,
~Mercy
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